I end the Viber call after my psychiatrist diagnoses me with anxiety disorder, before hopping inside the shower, where I let the water drain everything that’s left of me. Just outside the bathroom are voices, my siblings’ shrill reverberating despite pitter-patter of water on my feet, my cousins banging on the door telling me to open it, and my mother shouting that my grandfather is dead, years after he first touched me and I prayed for God to take him anywhere but here. It’s been eleven years since that happened, and only now am I reaping the prayers I’ve sown.
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The Story Behind the Story:
When I wrote “God Hates Me,” my grandfather who sexually abused me for years just died. While my family was grieving during his wake, I was jotting this piece in my notes app, thinking I could finally sleep without the constant dread of being near him after constantly praying for that monster to leave me alone. But as traumas go, his death wasn’t an easy way out. That monster remained plaguing me, following me through nightmares. Because I grew up in a devout family who blamed me when I told them what that monster did to me, I had doubts about sending this for publication. I was a practicing agnostic at that time (I’m an atheist now), and I instinctively thought blaming “god” would have repercussions or that one of my family members would find out what I truly felt about his death, so I let this piece sit in my notes app for months. When my therapist told me that my anxiety disorder could have been spurred by what I went through in childhood and told me that by sharing my story I’m reclaiming myself, I went back to this piece and sent it to Five Minutes. The sole comment under my piece hoping that I’ve found peace (maybe by writing the flash or because of that monster’s death or both) saved me and has stayed with me to this day.
Isaiah Duey is a pseudonym for a writer who hails from a country in Southeast Asia. Her work has appeared in Five Minutes, 101 Words, and Versification. She lives with her calico cat named Anya. Find more of her work at isaiahduey.carrd.co.
“God Hates Me” was previously published in Five Minutes.
Photo by kevin Baquerizo on Unsplash.
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